breastfeeding my adopted son

Warning: this is about breastfeeding :) If that's not something your interested in see you in a few days!!

My breastfeeding journey began just over 2 years ago with the birth of my biological son, Keaton.

Oh my goodness. Look at him so tiny with little kissy lips ready for a smooch!

I was a first time Mom and had NO idea what I was doing :) Thankfully, Keaton knew just what to do. After an hour of post delivery skin to skin, little mister found his way to my breast and started sucking on his own. It.was.incredible.

With Keaton I felt like I had the dream nursing gig. I didn't have any issues with sore nipples, latching, supply, etc. One episode of mastitis and that was it for my nursing woes. I will say that mastitis was pretty AWFUL!! I didn't know parts of my body existed until they started aching during that time. 

 I know many many women struggle to nurse. I went to a breastfeeding support group about once a week for the first few weeks after Keaton was born and heard story after story of women experiencing sore nipples, low milk supply, babies who couldn't/wouldn't latch, the annoyance of nipple shields, no support from family....you name it and it was probably mentioned. I learned a lot and realized week after week just how grateful I was for the support and advice given to me as I transitioned into a full time nursing Mommy.

Keaton ate everywhere and got himself onto a really nice schedule right away. Nurse --> Play --> Sleep --> Nurse --> Play --> Sleep {also known as Baby Wise :) }

He slept just about as well as he nursed, so I had A LOT of milk that I was able to pump in the wee hours of the morning when my body was ready to feed someone and he was still sleeping. Kind of the best problem you can have when breastfeeding. As a first time nurser, it was super reassuring to see my body making so much milk. So I just pumped and froze and froze and froze and froze.

We had an extra freezer in our basement that was stocked full and that was a HUGE blessing because we knew that we wanted to pursue adoption within the next year and with any luck I thought it might be really neat to feed our adopted baby some of my milk using a bottle. It wasn't necessary and I wasn't going to be disappointed if it all had expired by the time we were chosen, but I wanted to keep pumping and freezing just in case. So that's what I did.

 You can read about our journey to adoption here and here :)

I didn't have any expectations for Keaton and I's nursing adventure. I took it one day at a time and when Keaton was just about a year old we were still going strong. He was nursing around 4x a day.

THEN

We got the call from our adoption agency telling us that we had been chosen by a birth mother! We were thrilled! A little nervous and scared, but still ecstatic that the time to grow our family had come so quickly. I'm not sure when the thought of actually being able to breastfeed our adopted baby crossed my mind, but I knew there was always the possibility.

On April 29, Penn was born and received formula via a bottle in the hospital by his birth mother. I thought it was wonderful. She was feeding him the way she could and I'm so grateful they spent those moments together!

Two days later he came "home," to our hotel. We had bottles of formula from the hospital and bottles of pumped milk in the fridge just in case....then it happened!!

I probably won't ever forget the moment I took my newest little addition and tried to nurse him for the first time. He latched on like it was his job and that was it. He had a bit of learning to do {all newborns do}, but I honestly could hardly believe my eyes when I saw him sucking away. I only met him a day earlier and here I was feeding him from my body - it was incredible. The women's body really is an amazing thing!

So now I was officially nursing a newborn AND my one year old. 

Ummmmm... it was kind of a lot.  So we transitioned Keaton onto whole milk from a cup and I continued to nurse him in the morning and before bed until he was around 18 months old. If we hadn't made the transition I would have been feeding a baby probably on average of every single hour of the day, or least that's what it would have felt like! hahaha

I'm still not exactly sure how my milk supply changed or how my milk changed, but it did. It wasn't always easy, but I just trusted my body would give Penn what he needed. He didn't gain the weight like Keaton did and we tried to supplement some with formula in a bottle, but he wasn't having any of it. He HATED the bottle. All bottles. All of them. So I just fed him as often as he wanted and he was healthy!

If I'm being completely honest, the whole experience especially at first, wasn't full of rainbows and butterflies like I might have made it out to be. It was hard work. I was just wrapping up a year of very successful nursing when I was thrown right back into the thick of it out of nowhere. 

Was I grateful?

YES

Was I amazed at my body for being able to do it?

YES

Was I amazed at Penn for knowing what to do?

YES

Was the thought of having a baby on me 12+ times a day for the next 4 months exhausting to think about?

YES

Ryan was a huge support those first few weeks! I think I was just so tired with 2 babies under 2 and wanted a break, but he encouraged me to press on and I'm so glad he did!! 

Penn turned one 2 months ago and is just now starting to seriously wean and take milk from a cup. He still prefers Momma's milk to anything, but I think it's time :) He'll still nurse morning and night for a while longer, but his sessions during the day are being replaced with cups of milk and table food. It's a slow process for him....I created what I can only call a "nursing monster" haha He just LOVES to nurse and I don't think is super excited about the idea of ending. We'll continue to take it one step at a time.

Penn, alone, was a huge gift to our family and then being given this opportunity on top of it kind of blows my mind. I know breastfeeding isn't for every woman and many try with no success, but it was one of those things that was important to me and I feel honored to be able to do it with both my little redheads! :)

adopting penn liam - part V {waiting to go home}

Welcome from Kelly's Korner :) Thanks for stopping in! You'll see the links below for the first 4 parts of our adoption journey {this is the last of them} and then more posts throughout my little blog about welcoming Penn officially into our family!! :)

Adopting Penn Liam Part I
Part II
Part III
Part IV

Once Penn was in our care, our agency {Adoptions from the Heart} started the paperwork for the interstate compact. This needs completed before any adopted child can leave the state they are born and since we would be returning to PA this needed to be done. 

It can take between 7-10 days {longer if it's over a weekend}....so we planned to settle in and make the most of our "vacation." AFTH notified us immediately when they got word of our approval to return to PA - it took 9 days. It was a long time to be away from home and living in a hotel with a 1 year old and newborn, but we made the most of it!

Welcome to our home away from home :)

I'm at the table here with the kitchen behind me and bedrooms to the right and left. Notice the changing station on the coffee table ;0) 

We were so so grateful to have a 2 bedroom hotel suite at both of the hotels we stayed. My parents stayed with us for a few days and this gave them their own room and when they headed home, Keaton had his own space.

Speaking of my parents...my Mom came to stay with Keaton on the days we were in the hospital and my Dad came that weekend.

Grammy & Penn on our first night at the hotel :)

It was really great to have them! Keaton loves company, so this made his trip!

The weather was absolutely beautiful during the 2nd part of our stay, so we took an afternoon trip to Town Point Park in Norfolk and tested out the double stroller. Keaton loved the rumble seat...he propped his feet us and didn't complain one bit :) 

We also went swimming at the hotel pool, out for ice cream, and walked around the hotel parking lot...there's only so much you can do with a less than 1 week old!

After my parents left, we were on our own as a family of 4! 

Our hotel wasn't too far from Virginia Beach, so we took an afternoon to stroll the boardwalk and get lunch.

Then we stopped at a big playground on our way back to the hotel - I snapped this picture when I was nursing Penn on a picnic table. We forgot a hat for Keaton and sunblock, so we had to keep this stop pretty quick!

As much as we wanted to get home, we really tried to embrace our time together! We had plenty of space, a hotel pool, Walmart & Target 5 mins away {+countless restaurants}, a new baby, and this ham to keep us entertained. We really could't complain!!

A little tub time snack :)

We were practicing being gentle with bunny here for when K would love on Penn. As you can see, he did a great job....SQUEEZE! ha

After almost a week in the first hotel, we decided to switch hotels closer to the VA state line. We just wanted to get as close to home as we possibly could!! It was probably the best thing we did! It split our 6 hour drive home into a 4 hour trip to the border and then 2.5 hour trip the morning we could return home! 

And home #2...

 I think K liked it here ;0)

There was no pool here, but there was a Little Caesar, Sonic, and nail place within walking distance.

Yes, we got a $5 hot and ready pizza.

Yes, we got a 1/2 off milkshake to celebrate our last night in VA.

Yes, I got a mani-pedi one morning while Ryan kept both boys in the hotel room.

Like I said...we made the most of our stay. Even if that included indulging in foodie treats and hitting the closest nail salons. 

Definitely a trip we won't forget ;0) 

adopting penn liam - part IV {bringing penn "home"}

Adopting Penn Liam Part I
Part II
Part III

The day after we first met our little Penn, we arrived at the hospital ready to take our guy home. 

Both our birth mother and Penn were to be discharged sometime that day. We got there in the morning and left late in the afternoon when Penn was discharged. It was a long day. 

Ryan and I were nervous, excited, and anxious to leave with Penn, but couldn't stop thinking about our birth mother and what she must have been going through. She was just so brave.

We didn't see our birth mother at all this day. Ryan and I literally just hung around the halls and in different waiting rooms in the hospital until our social worker or the hospital social worker needed to talk to us or have us sign papers. I probably went to the bathroom 100x and scrolled through instagram 100x more than that just to keep myself busy. Texting friends and family kept me sane...and day dreaming about my other little love having fun with Grammy :)

We got a late lunch in the hospital cafe and just couldn't believe in a few short hours we'd be leaving with a baby!!

When discharge time came, we met again with the hospital social worker and she led us to an empty hospital room where we'd be waiting for them to bring us Penn. During this time our birth mother was getting ready to leave and saying her goodbye to him. That wait felt like the longest. So many mixed emotions.

Here we are just before...
{And yes we matched, but not on purpose. Someone wouldn't change...haha}

So we just waited there, awkwardly pacing back and forth when the door opened and Penn was wheeled into the room in his bassinet.

I couldn't contain myself at this point and just burst out crying. You should have seen his little body all wrapped up like a baby burrito. It.Was.Precious.

And just like that he was in our care. Just like that he was our little boy. Just like that we were parents to TWO little boys.

It was about all my heart could handle.

So we changed his clothes, buckled him in his car seat, left down a back stairwell, and drove "home" to our hotel 20 minutes away where his Grammy and K-man were waiting for him.

adopting penn liam - part III {meeting penn}

Adopting Penn Liam Part I {getting the call}
Adopting Penn Liam Part II {birth mother in labor}

Ryan & I got to the hospital right at 10:30! The social worker met us in the lobby and told us that she had just met the baby and he was healthy {relief!}! She also told us that our birth mother was doing well and had named the baby Liam. 

We had met the birth mother just a week prior and I was a nervous wreck....like I could hardly string 2 words together. The meeting was extremely nerve wracking. I'm not sure there's any real good way around that - emotions were high on both sides, but somehow we got through!!

Having met our birth mother the week before made this time a lot easier - I was still super nervous, but it was manageable this time :)

So the social worker, Ryan, and, I walked down the hallway and into the hospital room where our birth mother was holding the sweet little guy. The mix of emotions I felt are really hard to put into words. I was excited, but just so careful with letting myself get carried away. I didn't want to fall head over heels until she had signed the paperwork and he would definitely be in our care. It was hard, but I'm sure harder for her.

We all talked about his early arrival and delivery while he snuggled close to her.

He was so fresh and new....and small - weighing only 6lbs 7oz ;) Keaton was 8lb 3oz when he was born, so this little guy just seemed so small. He had cooper colored hair and long toes - he was perfect.

After a bit, our birth mother asked if I wanted to hold him. It was a surreal experience and one I never want to forget.

Here I was holding our son in front of the woman who just gave birth to him. How could she be so brave, watching me ewww and ah over him?? How could she be so selfless? 

The love and gratefulness we have for her will never be matched.

Loving on our son :)

Daddy has another boy with red hair! PEOPLE. It looked just like Keaton's. It's crazy and something I'll talk more about later.

We stayed for a little over and hour and then left for the day. It wasn't easy leaving, but it was good knowing that Penn was in such loving and caring hands.

The next day we were planning to take Penn "home," but not really home.

adopting penn liam - part II {birth mother in labor}

Adopting Penn Liam - Part I

SO May 5th was when our little guy was due to be born via c-section!

We had that date circled in red on our calendars and all plans made around that day, but like most things...plans quickly changed!

Ryan had a few days off before we planned to leave for Virginia {where the baby would be born} and they were packed full!! We were trying to sell our car, install a water softener, clean the house, prepare for a newborn, get everything packed for our trip....you get the picture. When our social worker called on the morning of Wednesday, April 29 we were in the midst of doing all those things! Like bottles all over the counter, the car in the driveway with mats out getting washed and vacuumed, stuff just kind of everywhere....I kept thinking about how I was glad to have a few more days to get the house in order before we headed out.

But, nope! Our social worker called and told us that our birth mother was in labor that morning and due to have a c-section that afternoon @ 3pm!

#panicmode

I ran out to the driveway where Ryan was washing the car mats and told him to turn off the vacuum...then I started crying and screeching and told him the news!!! He dropped the vacuum and just stared at me. HAHA!

I called my Mom right away to see if she could get to VA and watch Keaton the next couple of days while we were at the hospital - thankfully she cancelled plans and packed her bags! I paced back and forth for a good 15 minutes just thinking and thinking and then turned on my overdrive.

Because we were adopting in another state we needed to get interstate approval from both VA & PA before returning home with the baby. This can take from 7-10 days, or longer. So we were basically packing for a 1 1/2 week long vacation with a one year old and newborn.

AHHHHH!!

I basically packed my entire dresser and then some. Like I made Ryan get a bigger suitcase so I could use some of his extra space.

Would I need 4 sweatshirts in 80 degree weather??
No.

Was I ready just in case??
Yes.

Even though we knew we'd be getting this little boy soon, we thought we still had a few more days to get ready! Thankfully, I had most of baby's items packed. I had actually made him a little onesie with his name on it just the day before so it would be done and packed. Thank goodness!

It was crazy and a whirlwind and I was legitimately on the verge of a heart attack, but I loved it!! It was such a rush!! The van was packed and we were on the road to VA in less than 3 hours!

And can I just say something quick about Keaton?? He is just amazing. He rode 6 hours in the car like a champ. Slept in his pack n' play in the hotel each night, all night like a champ. Was flexible and just a happy boy the entire time!! He kept Ryan and I sane through all the waiting and unknowns.

We got to the hotel around 8:30pm and still hadn't heard from our social worker. I sent her a text and she said that the social worker working directly with our birth mother would contact us when she got more information.

That's how this process is - hurry up and wait. And wait. And wait.

We knew our boy was born {or at least we thought!!} but didn't know anything else about him! Was he born? Healthy? Big? Small? 10 fingers? 10 toes? Hair?

It was a long night....still not knowing anything about our little guy, but we got through and the next morning we got a call from our birth mother's social worker telling us to be at the hospital at 10:30 that morning.

All we knew is that he was healthy.

We got Keaton ready to spend the day with his Grammy and then headed to the hospital to hopefully meet our boy....

adopting penn liam - part I {getting "the call"}

To put it into time perspective - we got "the call" on Friday, March 13

I'll rewind a little to the week before....

We got an email from our social worker about a birth mother situation. We read through it, talked about it, prayed, and then gave our SW the go ahead to show our profile to this birth mother.

Now you don't always get asked before your profile is shown. The agency that we are working with {Adoptions from the Heart} provided us with what they call a "profile key" that we fill out and hand in with all of our other paperwork. This has a lot of different questions on it in regards to a placement you're willing to accept. Some of the things it includes are drug use by birth mother and birth father, illness, twins, & number of weeks gestation {just to name a few}. It does not give you a gender preference. I'm not going to go into any details about how we filled ours out - it's just to personal. Every family's profile key looks different!

If a situation arises with a birth mother and everything matches your profile key exactly you are shown without question. Sometimes you don't even know that you are shown and not chosen. Often times, though, a situation is not a perfect match.

This situation was very very close, but not a perfect match {something came up that wasn't even on our profile to choose} so we were asked.

I'm not going to go into too many details, but on paper it sounded like an ideal situation. Almost too good to be true. Ryan and I both figured that everyone would want to be shown and so there would be no way on earth we'd be chosen.

I mean....we just started waiting and knew there were tons of great families who would love to be shown to this birth mother.

We kind of joked about how there would be NO WAY we'd get chosen among the other families and that this would be a good "test" of sorts that if we were picked what would we do!

BAHAHAHA.

So....we went about our week without too much thought. I asked our SW to contact us when the birth mother decided - just so we knew either way :)

Well that Friday I get a text from her saying that she'd like to talk to both Ryan & I and if I could call Ryan, then call her so we could have a 3 way call. Thankfully, Ryan was off work so I just got him from the other room and put our SW on speaker phone. We just couldn't believe it when she told us that the birth mother had picked us.

She proceeded to tell us a lot more information about the placement, which unless I wrote down didn't remember. At one point I looked at Ryan and he had tears in his eyes. When it comes to our kids he has a heart of gold mush.

We were able to get a lot of great information from our social worker, even the hospital and scheduled date of the birth mother's c-section! She had a planned c-section before her actual due date....

And just like that May 5th we'd be a family of 4 - just under 8 weeks away!!

Now 50% of the placements are emergency, which means that you get the call and then that day or the next day drive to the hospital and pick up your new bundle. So 8 weeks seemed like a really long time! haha!

I'm not sure how I pictured my reaction to "the call." Probably more jumping up and down and with lots of tears, but it wasn't like that. It was so matter of fact for me and kind of brain chaos. I started thinking about this little boy and making lists of things I wanted to do before May.

Let the nesting begin!

our family of FOUR

We've had a pretty exciting few weeks {months really} around here!

Our family has grown by one sweet little boy - we're now a family of FOUR!

Penn was born on April 29 and joined our family on May 1!!

We were chosen by a birth mother in March and are now in the process of adopting Penn! It has been busy and very exciting around here! We were away from home and with Penn for 9 days, so now we're just getting settled back at home and into a new routine with 2 little ones :)

Stay tuned for updates about our adoption journey!

a waiting family...

Many are the plans in a persons heart, 

but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails.

Proverbs 19:21

Oh how true this verse is! It has been speaking volumes to me over the last several weeks.

In the summer of 2013, Ryan and I became a waiting family - waiting to adopt a sweet little baby and grow our family. We had our home study complete, our family profile available to birth parents, and a gender neutral nursery in progress. Our plan was to adopt, it seemed simple & straightforward. THEN.....surprise, we got pregnant and 9 months later welcomed Keaton into the world. 

Once Keaton was born, Ryan and I basked in the joy of having a sweet baby to love on. It was all so much more than we could have imagined. To say we love Keaton is an understatement - I don't even know what you'd call it, but I cry every night that he puts his little head on my shoulder before I put him down for bed. I pray with my entire being that God is growing in his heart and thank Him for Keaton's little soul.

I have this incredible and indescribable love for K-man, yet thoughts of the child we started to wait for has always been on my mind....Ryan's too. And so we started talking about re-pursuing adoption shortly after Keaton was born. It felt like the right step, but too soon for actual movement. So we didn't move, we just talked about it. And talked. And talked. And kept talking for months.

Was adoption something we felt God calling us to do...even after I got pregnant and had a super fabulous and successful pregnancy?

YES

Was now the right time?

A few months ago {even last month} it wasn't the right time, but now? YES

We met with our social worker in October to update our home study and get freshened up on the process, especially now that we're a family of 3! I'll be honest, it was weird talking about adopting a baby while I was holding a baby.

In October, we were still a little unsure if it was the right time to become available, so we took our time getting our profile & clearances updated. In the next few months we celebrated the holidays and talked {more} about what our family would look like with another baby and Keaton as a big brother.

I causally mentioned to Ryan one night about what other people might think about us getting ready to adopt with Keaton being so young and he responded the way I knew he would....with a great big "I don't care what other people think - it's our family."

Ah yes. This is true.

It's also true that we have no idea how long it will take to be chosen by a birth mother. It might happen right away {we've been waiting just 2 weeks now}, in a few months, a year, or even longer. Keaton and his little brother or sister could be very close in age or a year or more apart - we.have.no.idea. The unknown timing is something we really struggled with, but in the end decided that we were placing the whole thing in God's hands. When the time is right, we'll be available.

So for right now are an official waiting family!

Excuse me while I....ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Okay.
That was both excitement and nerves. It feels crazy to be back at this place!!

We're getting a nursery ready {more on this later}, buying newborn diapers, packing bags for a potential emergency placement, talking to Keaton about being a big brother, pumping & freezing milk so I can hopefully feed our new baby my milk, growing our hearts, and most importantly enjoying our life right here and now as we wait.

We have our plan in action, but more than anything we want the Lord's will to prevail. I'm not sure how smooth this ride is going to be and NO idea what to expect, but I think with the Lord's strength and praying all.the.time. we'll be able to hold on tight enough to get through....maybe with even a few {more} happy screams along the way. Or maybe I'll be scared stiff and barely breathing. But we're in it as a family and doing this together!! I'm so SO glad to share this life with Ryan! It's not always easy making big life decisions, but definitely better when you get to make them with your best friend.

We love you sweet baby to-be!  Mommy, Daddy, & Big Bro K-man love you.
xoxoxo

adoption: part II {home study}

This will be the last adoption post for...a while. 

Our agency advised us not to post on public forums once our family profile gets put "in the books" for birth parents to see. We're thinking this will happen in August!! Yahoo!!

Obviously, we're making great progress on our home study! On July 15, our social worker comes to the house and all our paperwork needs to be turned in. I just completed my last part; a 13 page autobiography. Seems kinda short considering I've been around for 28 years, but HEY I guess I'm just that boring! ;0)  

 The rest of the paper work is financial forms {basically the same as getting a mortgage}, marriage certificate, college diplomas, clearances, physical forms, and other contract forms. It's a lot of paper work and not a lot of time at our home -- again, go figure!! HA! 

The "at home" part seems pretty easy and our social worker is so nice! She told us several times our house doesn't need to be spotless or ready for a child the day she comes, but I'm sure within the next 2 weeks I'll end up washing all the baseboards and crying because the basement is a construction disaster and our sidewalk isn't poured yet -- thanks to the rain it might never get poured {did I mention we're putting in a sidewalk and 2nd patio -- pictures later}.  

Just kidding about washing all the baseboards.

Not. 

I'm a clean freak by nature, so it will just be another cleaning day in the Harris House! Let's add wiping down all the walls and pressing all the curtains for good measure. Okay, I've gone too far.

I'm sure something really exciting will happen moments before she comes, like a toilet overflowing or Phinley throwing up all throughout the house OR maybe there'll be 4 cement trucks in our yard pouring our sidewalk. All kinds of fun possibilities. 

After the "at home" portion, Ryan and I get to make a lil video of ourselves and why we want to adopt for birth parents to watch as they make their choice. Anyone else just get that sick feeling in their gut?? No matter how much I might want to, I plan to tell Ryan to not let me: use self-tanning lotion, get my hair cut or colored, or try new make-up for our 30 minute on camera session. My stomach will be in complete knots. 

Note to self: wear black so sweat marks aren't blatantly visible.

What DO you say to possible future birth parents other than: 

Thank you. I admire you. I will love this child with every pore of my being. I love them now.   

And after the video we create a profile and begin to wait and pray. 

We're all getting so good at praying. It's one of the constants that has been with us throughout this whole thing.

Please pray that we can wait with happy and patient hearts knowing that with time the perfect little one will be placed with us.

My heart is growing each day with love for them and the birth parents. 

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. 

Romans 12:12

adoption: part I

As with anything new...there's a lot to learn.

My brain feels like it's been pulsating since we started Clomid a year ago and hasn't stopped.

Each new step has brought me to Google. 

Do you know how much you can find when you Google something? Too much. 

There's a point when you have to click the red "x" and say that's enough for now. I could read and read, but then my brain fills and I forget to buy milk or a friend's birthday or that cute shirt I went into Target specifically for.

As much as I want a child, it's taken energy to balance that desire and enjoying and living my life as it is right now. You can't live fully when you're head is somewhere else all the time -- namely, the future.

So...we officially started preparing for adoption through Adoptions From The Heart!

 Last week we turned in our application and attended a required "Adoption 101" course in Cherry Hill, NJ. I've been reading a lot about what is ahead for us, but I'm trying to take a slightly different approach than I did with our IVF treatments. I'd spend so much time trying to know everything, that I was really missing out on the here and now.

I'll admit, I was a little skeptical about the adoption course, but it ended up being really great! I didn't know too much going in and I think it was better {before I would have googled the crap out of it and tried to figure it all out before we got there :) }. We all have our own thoughts about adoption and it's neat to learn some of the truths and myths behind it all.

Next up is our home study....which isn't just about the house you live in! I know, duh Erin! haha We meet with a small group in our area to talk more, but then we're on our own. Every agency does things a little differently, so I'm trying very hard to be patient and get directions for our next step...no Google! I don't need to know it all right now.

To be continued...

adopting a new idea

It's been an interesting month.

I feel kinda like I'm numb from all our decisions and try not to think about it all too much. It's easier to blaze forward and not think of what I'm leaving behind. But, really, that's not helpful for growth or healing.

Acceptance is the big thing we're working on right now.

Accepting what we've had to let go {broken dreams are never easy to release}.
Accepting our new future.
Accepting why we were chosen for this path and the pain that accompanies the first few steps.

I'm a firm believer in learning and growing from the difficulties we face. Sometimes that's hard to do, but this time it's been a piece of cake. I can honestly say this has changed me. And I'm sure the next thing I face will change me again. And I'll just keep changing.

Last week our small group prayed over us. It was unexpected and so heartfelt. I cry now thinking about how much they care for us and showed us in that way. And I know, know, know that your prayers have changed me.

Thank you.

SO! We're moving forward with our plans to adopt. Some initial forms have been filled out and we're going to an informational meeting this week! We've decided to go with a domestic infant adoption, but I wouldn't be surprised one bit if those plans completely changed :) His plans are better than ours...right??

My heart is still getting ready for this new kind of lovin' and I've been thinking a lot about our future little one. I'm guarding my heart from details and have been trying to focus on the supreme love and happiness that we'll feel and share with our families one day....rather than the shape of their precious little nose or color of their eyes. It's very easy for me to get caught up in the dreamy details!

Any new Mom wants to know what her little one will look like and I consider all my desires very normal :)

No doubt, I'll be updating throughout the process. Planning on a lot more positive posts from here on out!