Wednesday, April 24, 2013

a decision

Sometimes the hardest part is getting started.....And I feel stuck. 

Here's my best go....

The other night I read through my first blog post about our journey to start a family.

Not much has changed, except 6 months of clomid, 1 month of letrozole, 2 failed IVF cycles and 1 failed IUI. 

There's a lot of medication involved up there. And prodding. And tears. And hope. 

And what we have left are those last 2 -- tears and hope.

Tears from making the hardest decision I've ever had to make and hope that our future is as bright as I once imagined.

We're stopping our treatment cycles and attempts to have our own child. We know that our counsyl results didn't tell us we couldn't have children, but with the health risks and all the {for lack of better wording} bad luck we've had in this department we've decided not to take the chance.

We both feel that God is directing us to stop, but WOW is this hard to accept. 

Making the decision is one thing, accepting it is something completely different.

I felt the immediate relief of knowing what we were going to do and then I was hit by what it really meant. I know that this is our choice and someone might think that if we really really wanted our own kids we'd keep pursuing treatments and trying regardless of the risks. We know our options and it's not something I'm interested in going round and round about on here. The questions we've asked ourselves and possible scenarios we've put ourselves in are endless and exhausting. I'm tired of trying to figure out our future. All I do know is that with no transfer worthy embryos, old acting ovaries, and a really random genetic disease mutation I think God is trying to tell us something.

And I feel blessed that He spared us so much potential pain. When I think about how many women suffer miscarriages, and years and years of disappointment after disappointment I feel incredibly blessed to know it's our time to move on. 

I can't say that I'm not heart broken, but when you know that God's plan is THE best, you do it His way and use His strength to get you through the disappointment of it not going the way YOU wanted it to go.  

I feel sad, but also honored. When I can see past my immediate and temporary pain, I know I will have the privilege of being a mommy to a baby who needs me. And who I need.

Tissues for our present and cheers to our future. 

The desire of my heart will be fulfilled!!

As I remembered months ago....

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
Jeremiah 29:11-13

4 comments:

Kelsey Winter said...

It sounds like you've made a very hard but brave decision. I'll be continuing to pray for you and Ryan and the baby God is planning for you.

Andrea said...

I'm sitting here in tears for you tonight. But I know that there is a baby that needs you and Ryan more than we can possibly know.

What a difficult decision you have had to make. I am praying for you and any of those that may be involved in your future family.

hugs!

Meredith said...

Praying for you both. You already have such a tender and loving heart...your readers can see that clearly; you will be a wonderful mom!

Tish said...

Erin, Pat and I have walked a little of the path you have found yourself on, but obviously we had a different outcome. In spite of that, I remember the pain and longing that accompanied that journey, and my heart is aching for your both. But here is the part of your story that God continues to draw me to: Somewhere on this earth, or perhaps coming very soon, there is a child who at this point has no idea of the wonderful plans God has made for him or her. In a situation of desperation of which that child is probably not yet aware, God has already provided his or her "way out," literally a pathway to life and love and salvation. What a blessing for that baby and for you two incredibly special people! Or God is a God of miracles, and you and Ryan are right in the midst of one. Be prepared for the most amazing blessing you have ever experienced!

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