Friday, July 20, 2012

our journey

Sit back and settle's a long one :0) 

It's funny because I was just telling my oldest sister and Mom about how I don't really talk about this with a lot of people -- guess not anymore!

Since this has been a big part of our lives over the last year, I thought it was worth a post :0) I also look back through the years and read over a lot of posts I've written -- this is just part of our matter how public! 

Ryan and I have been trying to have a baby for just about a year {started in August}. For the first few years we were married, we were much to selfish and wanted time with just the 2 of us. Then, Ryan started his training and we knew for his benefit it would be best to wait and start trying once we knew the baby would be born after his tests were over. Last August seemed like a good time :) 

I was hoping it would happen right away {any first monthers out there?! haha}, but had this feeling it would take time and require me to give up complete control, and trust in God. 

In my mind this was SO easy. Ha. Let's talk for a minute about how much of an unidentified control freak I am. For the first time something was completely out of my hands and I wasn't too happy about it. It's hard to describe, but I was thankful for this challenge. I have had things go my way my whole life and was now at a place where it wasn't. Gasp

After a few months of trying and then realizing my cycle was seriously off {sometimes 8-9 weeks long, which is an eternity for someone trying to get pregnant!!} I decided to see a fertility specialist. Throughout my first visit I kept telling the Dr. that I was sure nothing was wrong and that if she needed us to try longer or wait it out and see if my cycle regulated I was fine with that! I felt like I was being so dramatic by going, but for some reason I still knew it was the right thing to do. I mean....women try for years and years to get pregnant and here I was a few months out seeing somebody. She assured me that it wasn't dramatic at.all. and I should be there because something was off. 

After {what felt like} a lot of tests it appears that I {and Ryan} are fine. I still am fine! I felt really stupid at this point, because I just being a dramatic woman. My family is so great because they all assured me I wasn't and that it was good to go -- it doesn't hurt to help things along!  

So we continued to try for a few more months and since my cycle was so off I decided to go back for the next step. 

It still just seemed ridiculous. I'm in my late 20's, work out, am overall very healthy and just didn't think it would come to this. BUT at the same time I knew God was preparing my heart for this season in my life. If that makes sense. 

Please don't get me wrong, I'm full of much hope! I know that some have experienced far worse pain and struggle in regards to getting pregnant....this is just my own story. For those of you further along in your story, this might seem like nothing, but to us it is a struggle. Probably a little more for me, because I just can't help but think sometimes "what the heck is wrong with me?" I know Ryan doesn't feel that way about me, but I can't help it. I'm not looking for a "it's not your fault" from anyone, but at times it seems like it is my fault. 

So...we started Clomid {to help with ovulation} a few months ago. The first dosage didn't make me ovulate, so they upped it and I think we're good. We've decided to keep trying this for at least 2 more months and then move onto something more intense if necessary. Only time will tell :0) 

It's been an interesting year. Any woman or couple who has tried, or is trying to get pregnant can understand the ups and downs of each month. Half way through it was hard for me. I know that I was way to focused on my own timeline and kept looking around at my friends and family having beautiful little babies and other friends and family getting pregnant. I was genuinely so happy for them, but the self pity was terrible. Oh how it can really eat one up! Let's talk about being honest for a moment -- I needed to stop looking and wanting what everyone else had and just enjoy the place I am at and be confident in the plan God has for our family. 

In the end, I want this whole thing to ultimately be a testament of our faith in God. We know that his timing is perfect and I am very excited to see how things unfold over the next....who knows?! I've said it from the beginning and I want to be very clear that I trust my maker. When He sees fit to bless us, we will be ready! 

So stay tuned for more news about our journey -- hopefully sooner than later and perhaps not the way we have envisioned it, but better. It's such a relief to know God has a plan for my life.  

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
Jeremiah 29:11-13


Kelsey Winter said...

I'm sorry to hear this has been such a hard journey for you so far, but it sounds like you're taking all the right steps to make it happen. Most importantly, you're trusting in God's timing and I know you'll both be great parents when He blesses you with a child. I'll keep you and Ryan in my prayers and I hope this new dosage of Clomid does the trick.

Andrea said...

Erin, I know you know this already...but you are NOT alone. Nothing is worse than the journey of infertility because so often it is a silent one. We hold it all inside and feel that we can't talk about it.

I know and remember your pain and feeling of self-pity. I recall bursting into tears when finding out that friends of ours were having a baby. Not because I wasn't happy for them, but because I wanted so badly for it to happen to US. My poor husband didn't know what to do with me.

Lena is a baby that also came after many months (16, to be exact) of no answers. Clomid was my miracle drug, I hope that it will be yours too.

In the end, I am thankful for my journey. It has helped me be sensitive to others having similar issues and Lena was worth the wait in every way.

I'm praying for you and Ryan! Email me if you ever want to talk {seriously!!!}

rebecca said...


Thank you for the insight. I had insight into some of your situation and I wanted to speak with you about it, but I not sure how. Although Josh and I not 'trying' I have had some major problems with my cycle for about three years. I have been meeting with my OB-GYN many times to fix the situation without successful. With that said, I can understand your feelings. At times I get scared I will not be able to have children and this problem will not resolve itself. I also feel at times something is wrong with me. I am so happy for all my friends that are having children, but at this age when it seems I do not have one friend ( I actually counted on night) that is not pregnant or with a children it becomes depressing. Thank you again for your story. I too am trying to trust that God will provide which I know he will, but I am scared it may not be in the way I want it. So my control freak side needs to step aside and I agree it is hard.

Thanks, Rebecca

sarah @ life {sweet} life said...

Thank you for sharing your heart. I was in the same place in so many is all so familiar. I'll be praying that the Lord will bless you with a child soon! The scripture that comes to mind is "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." It certainly sounds like you are trusting in Him, so I'm believing your desire will come to pass! :)

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