Thursday, January 3, 2013

a reflection on 2012

I'm not sure what to make of 2012.

It certainly wasn't what I expected. 

I thought for sure Ryan and I would be spending this past Christmas together as a family of 3 or at least growing a little one to arrive early 2013{now}. A year ago at this time I was figuring on a big belly at the beach and how we would tell our family. 

It all just didn't turn out how I planned, or dreamed, or wanted. 

It's so hard to explain, but those same thoughts keep coming to mind again, but this time they're followed by a slap in the face and a loud "that's what you thought last year." Ouch.

I hate to focus on the negative but the truth is, emotionally it's been a hard year for me. Like really hard.

Between the crazy pills and trying to accept God's plan I'm just not sure how I feel about how it all went/is going down.

On one hand I feel super lucky that I have great family support, a job I really enjoy, a very supportive husband, amazing insurance to cover my treatment, and only a year and a half of waiting under my belt.

And on another hand I feel like it's just unfair and somehow I'm being punished for all the wrong I've ever done and bringing Ryan down with me. I know that's ridiculous and just not the truth but some nights I feel that way.

I've never had so many ups and downs. Ever. Thankfully, only Ryan was really around to experience them :0) He's so lucky! I'm sure he has some of his own fun "Erin" stories...

Soooo negative Nelly strikes again! Don't worry -- I'm sure I'll be back in a few days with a big "ah ha" or a "this process has taught me so much!" Ups and downs remember?? 0:-)

Just praying that 2013 doesn't disappoint and that I'm willing to accept God's plan -- no matter what it is!

Here we gooo!  

1 comment:

Andrea said...

You aren't a negative nelly. I've been right there in your shoes and it's not a fun place to be.

When I wrote on my blog that I hoped 2013 would be the year that everyone's hopes and dreams would come to life I wrote it for you specifically. I am praying that this will be it for you. {HUGS}

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