Sunday, September 27, 2009


Be warned: this isn't the most positive, happy go lucky thing you'll read today.

I've been feeling a bit lost these days.

I think it's the mid-20s not sure what I want to do with my life blues. I hate it.

I definitely know that teaching is not the profession for me - good thing I went a whole extra year of college to get a degree in Elementary Education. Now....if only I knew what else I wanted to do.

Return to school? No. I'm not sure what I would go back for and it costs soooo much money. I failed at chosing what I wanted to do the first time, I don't trust myself with chosing what to do a second time!!

I've thought about it.
I've prayed about it.
I've researched about it.
I've talked at length about it.
And I still don't know what to do with my life.

I know that one day I'll be a Mom of wee little cute Erin & Ryan's, but what to do until then? Good question.

Right now I'm a substitute teacher and it's really not that bad, but I feel like I should be doing more. Some days I'm fine subbing, making dinner for Ryan & I, doing a load of laundry, and relaxing for the evening. While other days I feel like one big fat loser who doesn't do enough to support our little family of 2 (these are mostly days that I'm not subbing).

Where does this pressure and loser feeling come from?
Not Ryan, he supports all I do.
Maybe my inner desire to be the "perfect" hard working woman and wife.
Wanting to do the right thing, which is work super hard until we have kids.
It could be that I think people are judging me for not working at a career or full time job.

I know that subbing is a job, but it's not always everyday and doesn't have consistency, like a full-time job.

These ramblings about my job/career aren't new.....I've talked about this before. I'm just getting so tired of not feeling good enough. It's my natural tendency to feel low about myself, but I can't help but think if I had a job I enjoyed and was good at that might help.

I'm pretty darn good at vacuuming, organizing, cleaning (anything), cutting up vegetables at super fast speeds, and eating. If there's a job out there that involves these things and isn't a professional cleaner let me know, because right now I'm lost.

God will show me the some point. Until then, I'll just continue to pray for guidance and patience!

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