Wednesday, April 10, 2013

not bad, not good

I've been trying hard to keep this blog only partially about our journey to grow our family, but that's hard to do....when it's all you're doing.

This weekend was hard.

We had a follow-up appointment with our doctor at the end of last week and she talked about my ovaries and how they're acting...old

When I asked her what I can do to slow that down, she told me to find the Fountain of Youth. And then I gave her the eyeball and she knew I wasn't messing around. She's great, but hello! you're talking to a very overly sensitive healthy, young woman who wants a baby! Tell me how to anti-age my ovaries and tell me now!

Okay, it didn't go quite like that, but that's what I was thinking in my head and I'm pretty sure she knew it. 

She said it was good that we got 6 eggs last time, but to not expect much better the next cycle. It's possible {anything is possible}, but not super likely. When she mentioned considering donor eggs I felt the lump in my throat swell and with every bit of strength I had, I pushed the tears back and grabbed my extra-hard outer shell and strapped it on. Tight. 

It came off in all it's glory this weekend - that and the gallon of tears I pushed down. Because at some point it just all needs to come out. 

I still have hope that we might have a child of our own, but my thinking has certainly changed. I think the mention of "donor eggs" made the chance of this thing not working a big huge reality. I had scary thoughts about not knowing what our kids will look like and if they'll have Ryan's super amazing math brain. 

It's a slippery slope and for 2 days I let myself ride. 

Now it's over and I'm back on track...haha! Just kidding. I'm feeling happy and hopeful for our future, but my little train was pushed off it's course a long time ago and doesn't look like it will be getting back on anytime soon.

This struggle we're having {which to this day I refuse to call infertility -- someone is still in denial...} is just that right now, a struggle. I hate to seem negative and overall feel great most days, but the reality is that it sucks. It's a constant effort for me to stay positive and look at the brighter side -- Ryan sees my darker perspective more than most people and I hate that. I am trying

So we're moving forward! Two more cycles in the next few months. Along with some supplements that we hope act as my Fountain of Youth ;-) 

Anti-aging is no joke. 

And because this post just needs a little happy!!


Maura Seitz said...

Although I cannot imagine the pain you are experiencing, please know that my prayers are with you. Even though you are facing incredible challenges, hang in there and stay strong. Someday a child will be so very blessed to call you "mom".

Anonymous said...

You are a pillar of strength.!!! Every day I see you, you are always smiling and have a kind word for everyone you see. We have no explanations as to why life is the way it is. Your faith is strong and will continue to sustain you through your journey. One day your dreams will come true :)

Sarah Howard (Barbour) said...

hey Erin, thinking of you and praying for you when i do. i keep up on how things are going through Kasie and your sorry it's been such a rough time. praying for you guys for strength.

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