Last night at small group we talked about idolatry.
I feel like recently I've been faced with a lot of things that have caused me to re-evaluate my relationship with Christ and the place God has in my heart.
I was able to say I believed in God's grace and love, but I didn't really feel God stirring in my heart. I still had days where I felt sad, lonely, empty, and just not enough. Not everyday was like that, but it seemed like when my life was just normal and a bit slow I got into a rut out of nowhere and battled against feelings of hate toward myself. I battled against feeling alone and unloved. I battled against feeling I was better off not around and like no one cared.
Fortunately, I have an amazing husband who was persistent and patient with me during these times...I know he was praying.
Don't get me wrong, it wasn't over a huge length of time that I would feel this way {sad, lonely, etc.}, but maybe for a day or two, then I'd feel okay, then get hit for another day or two or three and have no idea where it was coming from...until now.
At one point, when I told Ryan I was just feeling down for no good reason and then started talking about how awful I was, he said something along the lines of "it sounds like the devil is planting negative thoughts in your mind."
It was like a huge lightbulb went on.
I wasn't crazy? It was the devil doing this?
What a concept I had never thought about!
His comment came after a few prior conversations we had had the week before about spiritual warfare and satan working on us at our weakest moments or just attacking us for no good reason, especially when our relationship with the Lord was going strong {which mine was.}
The next evening our church Alpha session was focused on using the Armor of God to resist evil and that confirmed it -- satan was working mighty hard to break me and through this combination of converstaions and lessons I was able to finally see that!!
For the longest time, I always thought that I was just sensitive and any struggles I had were my fault and for me to fix. I never gave satan the credit for planting hurtful thoughts into my mind OR God for erasing them and allowing me to live with times of joy and happiness!
Ryan is so insightful and provided me with the right words and encouragment during this epiphany. It might sound so simple and obvious to some, but I never thought of satan loving times when I felt completely alone and bringing up pieces of the past which I still felt awful for. Ryan reminded me of God's love and how satan wants me to hate life and God wants me to enjoy it.
Of course He does.
Fortunately, during most of these "low" times I turned to God for strength and renewal. I knew deep down that God was the only one who could pull me out, which is good, but it still didn't feel okay to feel negative thoughts about this beautiful woman God created. I knew that I had to dig deep and build up my defenses against satan.
Which is what I'm in the process of doing right now.
I feel like I've had a ton of weight lifted from my shoulders -- is this what it feels like to give it to God?
I've had breakthroughs in the past {haven't we all?}, but this is different. This is like nothing I've felt before. It's genuine joy and happiness knowing that God's grace is available all.the.time.
Satan is so tricky and evil. He's been working in me for far to long and because of God's goodness and love for me, over the past several weeks, He's blessed me with conversations and insight which I am confident will be secured and unforgotten in my heart.
It's easy and fun to breath without a load on your back.
So back to small group talk....idols.
I haven't thought about how much I seek the approval of others until last night. The idea of the evening was to look at those things in your life you seek for happiness and fulfillment that aren't God, break them down until you are at the core, and identify the idol.
If God isn't your focus, then something else is.
At the end of the evening we broke off with our significant others {Ryan!} and shared what we thought our idols might be, then prayed for one another.
After a few things I shared, it was pretty clear that my idol is approval from others.
There was just something so freeing about this conversation/realization.
I only need God's approval. I know this, so why do I seek out others so often?
Knowing this, I feel like a little more of that weight has been lifted and another piece of God's love has been added to my heart, along with it a desire to serve and love Him more.
Of course, that idol isn't gone or hasn't disappeared with my acknowledgment of it, but it is something I can specifically pray for and work toward eliminating from my heart.
Friends, God is powerful and mighty. He has been working on me for a while and I am finally starting to see that!
Zephaniah 3:14-17 (NIV)
14 Sing, O Daughter of Zion;
14 Sing, O Daughter of Zion;
out aloud, O Israel!
Be glad and rejoice with all your heart,
O Daughter of Jerusalem!
15 The LORD has taken away your punishment,
he has turned back your enemy.
The LORD, the King of Israel, is with you;
never again will you fear any harm.
16 On that day they will say to Jerusalem,
"Do not fear, O Zion; do not let your hands hang limp.
17 The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing."
1 comment:
Thanks so much for sharing this. I also struggle with a lot of this and it was refreshing to read this. You have such a wonderful husband to support you like he does. Just know that you are in my thoughts and prayers too. I love you!!
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